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Questions to ask your parents (both of them)

You mean both of them. Mum and Dad. Not one deep dive into her life alone, and not a worksite week with him alone. You want a shared set of scenes you can take to each of them, then a clear place to go when one needs a longer list.

About 8 minutes to readConsent-first guidance
Two mugs on a kitchen table beside a notepad, soft morning light

Skip the hundred-question list. Pick a small set. Sit with each of them. Ask for a room, a weekday, a doorway that is gone. Then wait.

Quick answers

What questions should I ask my parents about their life?

Start with a short shared set of scenes that work for both: the house that is not there now, how they met, a normal weekday when they were young parents, a hard year they got through, and what they want the family to keep. Then open the Mum or Dad guide for the longer list written just for her or just for him.

Is this the same as questions for Mum or Dad alone?

No. The Mum and Dad guides hold the longer lists. This page is for when you mean both parents together, and it links to each of those guides near the top.

How do I start without a huge list?

Pick three scenes. One sitting. Ask beside them, not opposite a phone. Stop while they are still going. Record only if they say yes in words. They can pause, skip, or stop. Starting does not enrol them.

If you mean Mum or Dad specifically

If you already know you want her stories alone, or his alone, go straight there. This page stays with both of them. The longer lists live on their own guides.

Questions to ask Mum

For Mum's rooms, kitchens, firsts, and the longer list of her life: questions to ask Mum.

Questions to ask Dad

For Dad's cars, worksites, who he was before the family, and the longer list: questions to ask Dad.

Come back here when you mean both, or when you want the same starter scenes for each of them before you branch.

Why “your parents” is a different job

Asking both is not a bigger list. It is a different plan.

You may have both in the house on the same visit. You may speak to each of them over a weekend. One may talk for an hour. The other may give you two sentences and a look that means the subject is finished. The job is to plan for two voices, two moods, and sometimes two sittings, without turning either visit into an interview.

Sons and daughters often stall here. You open a giant listicle, freeze, and never start. Or you search for parents and land on a Mum-only or Dad-only guide that does not match what you meant. This page is the both-of-them answer: a short shared set, then clear handoffs when one of them needs more.

If you are recording grandparents instead, use questions to ask grandparents. Parent scenes and grandparent scenes are different jobs. Do not blend them in one sitting.

A shared starter set (about 12 to 16 scenes)

These scenes work for either parent. They do not try to replace the list for Mum or the list for Dad. Use them when you want the same starting point for both, then follow wherever each answer goes.

  1. What is the first house you remember clearly that is not there any more? What did the front door open onto?
  2. What did a normal weekday look like when you were about twelve, from waking up to going to bed?
  3. Who were you closest to before you had children, and what did you two do together?
  4. Where were you the first time you properly noticed each other, and what was the other person doing?
  5. What did a Friday night look like when you were twenty-two: where were you, who was there, what time did you get in?
  6. What did your first proper pay packet go on?
  7. What did a Monday morning feel like in your first real job, or in the kitchen if that was the week? What did the place smell like?
  8. What did a normal Tuesday look like when we were little, from waking up to lights out?
  9. What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
  10. Is there a small moment with one of us you still remember that we probably do not?
  11. Can you remember a week when money was really tight? What did you do?
  12. What was the hardest year, and how did you get through it?
  13. When you were my age, what did you think your life would be like by now?
  14. Is there a family story you think I should know that nobody tells any more?
  15. What is something about the family that is not written down and lives only in you?
  16. What do you hope the family keeps about you that has nothing to do with being Mum or Dad?

Ask number 12 gently, once. If they decline, move on and do not return to it.

You do not need all sixteen. Three scenes for one sitting is enough. A good follow-up beats finishing the list.

Same questions, different answers

Ask both of them the Tuesday-when-we-were-little scene. Expect different rooms. Expect different silences.

Mum may take you into the kitchen smell and the school bag by the door. Dad may take you into the drive home, the radio, or the moment he walked in and the house was already loud. Same prompt. Different voice. That is the point of asking both.

Do not try to reconcile their versions in the room. Let each of them tell it as they remember it. You can hold both stories. The family record is richer when it keeps two angles on the same week.

When one talks and the other does not

Do not force a joint interview at the table. Sit with each of them. A shared set of scenes does not mean a shared microphone.

If one of them talks easily, stay with the scenes above and follow the second wave of each answer. If the other gives short answers, swap a lifetime question for a smaller scene: a doorway, a smell, a first week. Short answers can also mean the subject is tender. Offer once to listen, then move on if they do not want to continue.

If quiet Dad needs a different angle, the Dad guide is the right next step. Do not rewrite that page here. Point him there when the shared starter set has done its job: questions to ask Dad.

If Mum opens up and you want the longer list of her life, go to questions to ask Mum.

Yarn, not a sit-down

Sit beside them, not opposite a phone. Hands busy helps. Tea helps. A walk to the letterbox can unlock more than a formal chair arrangement.

Ask for a place, a person, a smell, a sound, or a small detail. One question, then silence. After they answer, wait. The second wave is often the texture you came for.

Consent is in their words. Record only if they say yes. They can pause, skip, or stop. You do not push a hard year twice. You do not fact-check them in the moment. Let them tell it as they remember it.

Keep it by phone if that is easier

You do not need everyone in the same room. If they live too far away to sit with you, a phone call can be enough.

Read record a parent’s story by phone before you begin. No app install is required for the relative. For a wider DIY setup, record your parents’ voice and stories covers the calm basics.

Tools you can use

A notebook and a quiet corner still work. Voice Memos on a phone works. Year-long weekly-question books can help if someone likes a prompt in the post each week; name them honestly and do not pretend they replace a real sitting.

Tellby is one short sitting that becomes a private card. You organise. They speak. They can pause, skip, or stop. The organiser approves the card before wider family sees it. Starting does not enrol or consent for Mum or Dad.

If this conversation is meant as a present, voice memoir gift explains how to give a story instead of an object. For parents who already have everything, story gifts for parents who have everything is the wider list. Voice controls and how a sitting works live on how it works.

Frequently asked questions

What questions should I ask my parents (both of them)?

Use the shared starter set above: house, weekday, meeting each other, young parent rhythm, a hard year offered once, and what they want the family to keep. Three scenes per sitting is enough. For the long Mum list or the long Dad list, use the dedicated guides linked early on this page.

Is this the same as questions for Mum or Dad alone?

No. The Mum and Dad guides hold the longer lists written just for her or just for him. This page is for both parents together. For a longer list just for Mum or Dad, see those guides.

How do I ask without it feeling like an interview?

Do not sit them opposite a phone with a hundred prompts. Pick three scenes. Ask beside them. Record only if they say yes in words. They can pause, skip, or stop. Starting does not enrol them.

Do I ask the same scenes of each of them?

Yes, if you want a shared starting point. Expect different answers. Same Tuesday prompt can open two different rooms. That is useful, not a problem to fix in the moment.

What if one talks and the other does not?

Sit with each separately. Do not force a joint interview. Stay with small scenes for the quieter voice, and use the Mum or Dad guide when one of them needs that longer list.

Can they answer by phone without an app?

Yes. See record a parent’s story by phone. No app install is required for the relative.

Does starting enrol them?

No. Starting or applying does not enrol or consent for Mum or Dad. Consent is in their words. They can pause, skip, or stop. The organiser approves cards before wider family sees them.

Where do I go for the long Mum list or the long Dad list?

Mum: questions to ask Mum. Dad: questions to ask Dad.

Start with one story

Let them tell it in their own voice

Tellby turns one relaxed conversation into a private written-and-audio story card. They can pause, skip, or stop during the conversation. You read the memory card and approve it before the rest of the family sees it.

Starting does not enrol or consent for your parent or relative.

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